#so maybe I should actually think abt what I'm trying to eat today and stop writing silly little Tumblr tags

[why-the-heck-not]

"...and now a quick  1-1.5h simmer" why do I do this

”quick fast dinner, gotta go to sleep soon” then pray tell,, why are u cooking things in separate batches?? and ohmygod is that tomato sauce mf reducing on the stove ?????

[adriswrld]

Retirement » Jay White ⁰¹

plot: jay white finds out abt reader's potential retirement at wrestlekingdom 17

trope: friends to lovers / he fell first, but she fell harder

pairings: wrestler reader x jay white / reader x (platonic) bullet club

a/n: he's hubby your honor 🤝 reader used to be in bullet club when kenny was leader btw! atp, y'all should just expect to see my oc azalea playing the best friend 😭

THIS WILL HAVE TWO PARTS!! THIS IS PART ONE!

"How's your neck feeling?" Sean, Y/N's personal camera man had asked after turning on the camera and filming. As she and her best friend who is also a WWE wrestler shared a YouTube channel, they were filming an episode of Y/N experience for WrestleKingdom 17. "Well, my neck is literally killin' me so I hope that doesn't effect my match later cause if it does the blame could go on Kairi and I don't want that obviously. People tend to blame the opponent if the champion has a bad match." Y/N shrugged, picking up her phone to check the time.

"I'm gonna get freshened up and then we will be leaving soon to pick up Azalea from the airport. I showered last night so don't even try to say anything." Y/N said, pointing at the camera before Sean switched it off. "I'll be waiting in the lobby, Y/N." Sean said, heading to the door and Y/N gave a nod with a tired smile. Y/N rubbed her neck with a tired groan, still hating that retirement was in the rear view for her. But if she wanted to preserve her neck, she had no choice.

Two hours later, Y/N was standing in the airport with Sean, Mercedes and Trinity as they waited for Pamela (Bayley) and Azalea to arrive. "Are you okay? You keep rubbing your neck?" Mercedes asked in a concerned tone.

"Oh yeah I'm fine, just a bit sore." Y/N lied, glancing at Sean who already knew the truth but understood why she was keeping it a secret. Before anything else could be said, they noticed Pamela and Azalea jog over to them after grabbing their luggage. Azalea grinned and pulled Y/N into a hug, Sean getting it all on video. "I am running completely on energy drinks right now so I'm little jittery," she said.

"Oh it's alright, Iz." Y/N reassured and Azalea pulled away to greet Mercedes and Trinity. Pam smiled and pulled Y/N into a hug, "It's so good to see you again. How are you doing?" Pam asked, pulling away gently, almost as if she was trying to be careful with Y/N and that made Y/N think Izzy might have told her about her neck issues.

"I'm doing alright, thank you for asking. Just a bit exhausted but I'll be okay." Y/N said, giving Pam a reassuring smile. "I'm so sorry I won't be able to join you all, I've got lots of things I've got to do today, I really wish I could join all though. Maybe tomorrow I can join you," Y/N spoke as they had all been discussing where to eat.

"It's okay, Y/N, we understand. We'll be alright," Azalea reassured and the three women plus Sean nodded in agreement with her. "All right. Just be careful, and have fun," Y/N said, hugging Izzy goodbye before gesturing for Sean to come on with her.

"It's probably just me but am I the only one noticing how much her moods changed? Like, she's not as happy and cheerful like she's always been, plus she keeps rubbing her neck like somethings wrong," Mercedes spoke as they walked towards the exit together. Azalea sighed and stopped everyone, causing them to all turn to look at her. "Don't tell anyone this but, ever since she broke her neck, she hasn't exactly fully recovered yet," Izzy explained.

"But the doctors said she was cleared?" Trinity added in confusion.

"She was, but a few weeks ago she started getting really bad neck pain so we went to the doctors and they said something was wrong. They said she was cleared but when she started wrestling it appeared that she didn't fully heal. It's actually extremely dangerous for her to still be wrestling. It's kinda like what happened with Paige's neck. It's why she was so urgent on dropping the title to you." Pam, Mercedes and Trinity were all to shocked and concerned to even speak.

"Does that mean she's retiring?" Pam questioned.

"Look, I'm not saying that she's retiring, but it's definitely in the near future for her. She obviously doesn't want to, but it's what's best for her health." Azalea corrected with a small shrug. She was the last person who wanted Y/N to retire but Y/N's health was more important than that. At least she got to say she had the greatest match of her career with her best friend.

"That does explain why she hasn't been in the happiest of moods," Mercedes mumbled sadly.

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

"I called my very good friend Okada to help me out for my match yesterday but I just got off the phone with him and unfortunately he couldn't make it. But, as we are already here, I figured why not just train with Sean," Y/N said and Sean smiled. "It's gonna be a pain but I could use the training," Sean agreed and Y/N chuckled and nodded in agreement.

"It's supposed to be closed as of now but I was given a key a long time ago in case I ever needed it. So, let's go inside." Y/N smiled as she unlocked the doors and entered the building. As they walked in it appeared the lights were already on so someone must've already been there. "Oh it looks like someone's already here," Y/N said quietly.

They could hear voices and Y/N couldn't help but find those very familiar. She could pick out El Phantasmo and Jay White's voice anywhere. "I knew I heard my boys," Y/N grinned as the two men both turned to look at her, immediately growing smiles once they saw her. "No way, is it the one and only Bullet Club Princess?" ELP aka Riley grinned and slid out of the ring, walking towards Y/N with open arms.

"Aye, former BC Princess. Not anymore." Y/N playfully corrected as she ran into his open arms. "Oh come on, you'll always be the BC Princess." Riley playfully nudged her once they pulled away and he shook Sean's hand with a polite grin.

Jay sat on the ring, a small smirk tugged at the corner of his lips as he watched Y/N walk towards him. "Still a cocky lil shit, aren't you? Not gonna come and greet me like a gentleman?" Y/N joked, getting Jay to crack a small laugh as he jumped down and let Y/N bring him into a small hug. "Nice to see you again, princess." Jay mumbled into her hair causing her to mentally freak out but she held her usual chill composure.

"Mmm, nice to see you too, Jamie." Y/N pulled away and Jay threw her arm around her, pulling her into his side like it was a normal interaction. "You know you can still call me Jay, right?" Jay raised his brows, still obviously confused on why she used his real name. "Nah, I like Jamie," Y/N winked, flashing a smile, he shook his head in amusement and didn't argue with that.

"So, what are you guys doing here anyways?" Riley questioned, choosing not to tease Jay for his crush on Y/N.

"I originally was suppose to train with Okada this morning to prepare for my match but he got busy so he had cancel. Figured I'd just train with Sean," Y/N informed, crossing her arms over her chest. Sean nodded, confirming her statement as he held the camera. "You can join us then, Riley was helping me train for my match with Okada anyways." Jay offered, Riley also agreeing with him.

"Sounds good." Y/N accepted.

Sean and Riley trained in one ring as Jay and Y/N were training together in the other ring. Riley was helping Sean improve in his wrestling so that was a huge help for him. "I haven't figured out how I wanted the match to finish, you know? All I know is that I really want to pay a tribute to Kenny and Azalea in the match, but I already figured that out," Y/N said to Jay as they discussed how she wanted her match to go with Kairi Sane.

Jay licked the front of his teeth, wondering if Y/N was still involved with Kenny. "Oh, uh are you and Kenny still, ya know?" Y/N's eyes widened slightly, knowing where he was going with that and immediately shook her head. "Definitely not, we ended things in like early 2019. We're still extremely good friends though, he's always been one of my biggest supporters." Y/N pursed her lips, silently wondering why Jay asked about Kenny. "Why?" She questioned.

"Just wondering," Jay shrugged it off but Y/N was still a bit suspicious.

"Well, we should continue now, I want to be at the dome early," Y/N said, getting back on track. "Yeah of course." Y/N stood up from sitting on the middle rope, "Can I borrow the blade runner?"

"I'm not sure, you technically never joined my bullet club," Jay pursed his lips sarcastically and Y/N hit his shoulder playfully with a laugh. "You turned on Kenny, how could I possibly join your club without it seeming like I'm betraying him?" Y/N pointed out as she circled him.

"Easy. You could've just chose me. I would've treat you better anyways." Jay said, adding a little truth to his words. Y/N glanced down in thought, thinking into what he said.

"All right, let's get back to it."

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

"Oh my god, your hair looks so beautiful, what the fuck," Y/N spoke as she entered the room Mercedes was in. "You like it?" Mercedes smiled, pulling Y/N into a side hug but being careful with her neck. "I love it. It looks amazing on you. It's like you burning the blue hair, putting that in your past and opening a new chapter as Mercedes, yeah?" Y/N asked. "Dude you got it perfectly. Yes, that's exactly what it means."

"I'm gonna get goin' but you call me if you need anything sweets." Y/N said, patting Mercedes's shoulder. "I will, thank you."

Y/N walked out of the room with her suitcase, going towards her personal locker room to drop her suitcase and bags off. "All right, now we are going to go search for the lovely Azalea who I'm sure is around here somewhere. She said she was by the ring since we last texted." Alice spoke, her hands tucked into her pockets of her joggers as Sean followed her with the camera.

"It's so amazing being here again. All the memories I've had here is just so surreal to me. It's gonna really hurt when I perform here for the last time. I'm just glad it's gonna be against Kairi. She's one of my greatest friends." Y/N and Sean both walked down to the ring, immediately did she spot Azalea talking with surprisingly, Jay White. She knew they never even met each other so that was kinda a shock to her seeing them in a deep conversation.

As Y/N walked up to them, Jay turned to look at her, "Why didn't you tell me you're retiring?"

Y/N blinked, being caught off guard with the sudden question. Y/N looked at Azalea with accusing eyes, "I'm sorry babe, but he was asking me why you always looked like you were in pain when you trained. He's really convincing, I'm sorry." Azalea frowned, suddenly feeling bad for telling Jay what was going on when Y/N trusted her with that information.

Y/N sighed, running a hand down her face exhaustion. "I'm not retiring, okay? We don't even know that for sure. Doctors just said that my wrestling days are limited if it keeps getting worse," Y/N explained. "Then why are you wrestling tonight if you know it can end your career? Are you insane, Y/N? Just drop the title before you permanently damage your neck." Jay argued, not understanding why she wasn't listening to everyone's warnings.

"I can't!" Y/N snapped, then taking a few breaths to calm herself down before she got even more upset and said something she might regret. "This is my legacy, Jay. This is my story and if I'm gonna go out, it's gonna be on my terms. Whether it ends tonight or next month, it's on my terms. You can hate me for it all you want, but it's my decision. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go see my friends cause it might be a while before we see each other again." Y/N plastered on a fake smile and walked past them to go find Okada.

Jay ran a hand down his hair, frustrated but also hurt that Y/N wasn't at least making an effort to preserve her career. "You're in love with her, aren't you?" Izzy tilted her head curiously, making Jay immediately turn to look at her. "Where did you get that idea from?" Jay scoffed in denial.

"Oh I don't know, maybe the fact that you seem to care about her more than you're letting on. And, I've watched her old YouTube videos of her backstage with the Bullet Club and I couldn't help but notice everytime she was with Kenny, you always held that jealous glint in your eyes. She even told me how you tried to convince her to join your bullet club. It was so insanely obvious. You're kinda lucky she's a little oblivious." Azalea smiled sarcastically as Jay rolled his eyes.

"Fine, maybe you're right. But, don't tell her, I plan on telling her myself, tonight." Jay stuck out his hand so they could shake on it, it took her a moment to think before ultimately shaking his hand in agreement.

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

Y/N paced back and forth nervously, her title strapped around her waist as she watched the TV where Kairi Sane was making her entrance. "You can do this, just go out there, don't fall, don't be stiff, show everyone why you're the best. Do what you do best, win, wrestle and entertain." Y/N spoke to herself, trying her hardest to motivate herself but she was failing miserably, growing more anxious by the second.

"Hey, Y/N. Are you okay?" Jay walked up to them and Sean took it as a sign to let the two talk alone.

"Do I honestly look okay?" Y/N deadpanned then frowned, not liking when she came off as rude. "I'm sorry, that was rude. I'm just freaking out, or panicking or something, I don't know," Y/N rambled, breathing heavily, she leaned on the wall behind her.

"Shit, okay I was gonna do this later," Jay mumbled to himself before placing his hands on her shoulders and her hands went up to his arms. "What are you?-" Jay cut her off, pressing his lips gently against hers, in the process, distracting her from all her previous thoughts. Y/N practically melted into the kiss, immediately placing her hands on his, she kissed back. Hearing her music begin to play, they both pulled away and before she could get a word out, one of the workers dragged her away and up the stairs.

"What happened to waiting till after the show?" Jay jumped slighly hearing Azalea's voice, turning around he noticed her leaning against the wall with crossed arms. "I was trying to calm her down," Jay defended.

"Dude, you realized that literally could destroy her entire focus on the match? You better hope nothing bad happens, if it does, I'm kicking your ass," Azalea stated before walking off to go watch the match with Trinity and Pamela in the stands where they couldn't be caught on any cameras as it went against hers and Pam's contracts with the WWE.

"Shit," Jay muttered, running a hand down his hair.

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

Y/N took a deep breath, trying to get a breath in as she just superplexed Kairi off the top rope and immediately performed a Blade Runner after. The match was almost over and it was one hell of a match. Kairi was killing it and some even thought she might actually just pull a win over the champion. But, Y/N wasn't gonna let that happen. She had to admit, the kiss was a little distracting. It was just so sudden and unexpected. She didn't even think Jay was single after seeing those rumors about him with a new girlfriend.

Y/N crawled over to Kairi, attempting a cover but Kairi kicked out at two. "Fuck! Just give up!" Y/N leaned against the ropes, running a hand over her hair in frustration.

Kairi stood up tiredly and immediately ran and knee'd Y/N before she could block it. She dragged Y/N to the turnbuckles and began to climb up the rope. The crowd automatically assumed it was over for Y/N the minute Kairi hit the insane elbow. But, as Kairi performed it, Y/N got her knees up at the last second. Kairi groaned and Y/N stood up and jumped onto the top rope, performing her finisher, the Royalty Deathdrop. It was basically a backflip off the top rope into a DDT.

She hit it perfectly. "ONE..TWO..THREE!" Y/N grinned and tiredly crawled to the bottom rope, attempting to pull herself up as they announced her name as the winner. The official handed her the title and raised her hand before she immediately collapsed back onto the mat, barely able to hold herself up. Her body was battered and bruised so it was surprising that she wasn't even unconscious.

Kairi stood up and immediately went towards Y/N, extending her hand in respect towards her competitor. The crowd watched in anticipation, waiting to see if Y/N would accept her hand. Y/N hesitantly took Kairi's hand and the crowd applaused. Kairi pulled the taller woman up and raised her hand, showing a sign of respect for the retaining champion.

All until Y/N's hand dropped, the music hit. The music of Mercedes Moné.

The crowd cheered, obviously most knowing who she was. Y/N sat down on the middle turnbuckle, watching as Mercedes ascended down the entrance ramp. Kairi stood near Y/N as they watched Mercedes enter the ring. A whole new look on her, she was almost unrecognizable if you seen her as Sasha Banks in WWE. This was an entirely different woman and she wasn't here to play games. She was here to make history, money and win championships.

Kairi looked at Y/N silently asking if she wanted her to stay. Y/N shook her head, waving her off and Kairi stepped out of the ring, letting Y/N handle her business. Y/N stepped up, not liking the disrespect of Mercedes. She didn't have to say anything, she just raised her IWGP Women's Championship right in the face of Mercedes, not backing down to her.

Mercedes stuck her hand out, Y/N looking at it in suspicion. She took it hesitantly and Mercedes smiled as they shook hands. A show of respect. Y/N went to pull her hand away but Mercedes held it tightly so she couldn't let go. She pulled Y/N in, making her drop the title and performed what looked to be a gory bomb only it was straight into a DDT. Y/N groaned as she hit the mat, selling it perfectly so it made Mercedes look like a huge threat.

Mercedes walked over to the title and slowly picked it up, then dropped it onto Y/N's barely conscious body. "Give me a mic," Mercedes stuck her hand out, leaning between the ropes, they quickly handed her a microphone and she slowly made her way back to Y/N.

"Y/N, awee, congratulations on making history tonight, once again. I also know a thing or two about making history," Mercedes grinned, the crowd cheering for her. "I am here, in New Japan and Stardom to make some more. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the standard. The conversation. The blueprint, and the CEO of this women's division."

Mercedes kneeled down next to Y/N's body, the champion not even attempting to get up or open her eyes. "So Y/N-San, enjoy your IWGP Women's Championship while you can. Because at Battle in the Valley at San José. Imma leave you bankrupt bitch. And you can bank on Moné." Mercedes took the championship and lifted it up, throwing the mic to the side as her music played.

Y/N rolled out of the ring once Mercedes made her way out. She grabbed her championship and let one of the officials help her walk to the back. She held an ice pack against her neck, as Azalea rushed up towards her and Sean obviously shortly behind with the camera. "I need to lay down," Y/N spoke, letting Azalea help her walk towards her locker room rather than run to do the press conference. They could hold it back a few minutes for Y/N like they always did.

"I love you, but you need to chill out with these extreme matches. If this next one is your last, don't hurt yourself worse trying to prove yourself. You had thousands of people watching you tonight, I'm pretty damn sure they know you're the best." Azalea said, handing the title to Sean for him to hold it until they got to the room.

"I know, I'm sorry. I'll take it down a notch next time. Sean, you can turn off the camera, I don't wanna film right now." Y/N leaned her head on Azalea's shoulder in exhaustion, not seeing that Jay was standing outside her locker room door. But, Azalea and Sean noticed him.

"I'm gonna go get the ice, lots of ice," Sean excused himself, leaving Azalea to deal with that by herself.

"I need to unlock the door so I need you to hold yourself up for a few seconds, okay?" Azalea slowly moved Y/N's arm from her shoulder and instead of Y/N supporting herself, Jay immediately went to hold her up. Y/N looked at him and sighed, watching tiredly as Azalea hurriedly unlocked the door to the locker room.

"You're probably gonna need a cat scan," Azalea mumbled, opening the door and Jay helped Y/N inside. Azalea switched on the lights as Jay helped Y/N lay down on the couch. "After the amount of neck bumps she took, I'm surprised she didn't break it," Jay added. Azalea pursed her lips, agreeing with him and Y/N tiredly hit his shoulder. "Don't be an ass. I had to make it look like it was killing me," Y/N muttered.

"I'm pretty sure it was killing you considering you can barely stand on your own," Azalea deadpanned.

Y/N rolled her eyes and moved the ice pack from her neck to her forehead. "The match looked good though, yeah?" Despite her current situation, she still loved wrestling and absolutely loved being out there in front of an audience. Nothing could ever take away her love and passion for the sport. Retirement or not. She would always appreciate it.

"You never had one bad match and it hasn't changed yet," Jay spoke before Azalea could respond to her friend. As Y/N went to say something, the door opened and in walked Sean with the ice packs and Mercedes. "Got the ice, and a visitor," Sean tossed the ice to Izzy who caught it with ease before he grabbed the camera and turned it back on.

"Hey, I didn't see you backstage so I got worried. And I noticed you could barely walk so I wanted to come check on you." Mercedes kneeled down next to the couch as Jay moved out of the way for her. Y/N sat up slowly, still trying to control her breathing. "You didn't have to, but I appreciate it. How are you feeling?" Y/N smiled, taking Mercedes's hands in her own.

"I feel like I'm on top of the world. This is all I've ever wanted and honestly, I'm still processing it all. In a way, I finally feel free, ya know?" Mercedes smiled as she spoke, still running on adrenaline from her debut. It completely took her mind off the fact that she was possibly gonna be the one to retire Y/N at Battle in the Valley.

"I understand completely. I'm literally so proud of you, I could cry. You deserve to live your dream, you deserve all of this. Don't let anyone tell you different. You belong here." Y/N stated, being filled with nothing but joy for Mercedes. She couldn't have been more proud of her.

Mercedes smiled, feeling a tear fall that Y/N wiped away. "Thank you so much. For everything." Mercedes said, blinking away her tears.

"You don't have to thank me. Just show me who Mercedes Moné is, and that's all I need." Mercedes chuckled and nodded, being gentle as she hugged Y/N. "I can't wait to beat you," Mercedes teased, pulling away with a smirk.

"All right, don't get all cocky now." Y/N scoffed lightly in a joking manner.

Mercedes snickered and stood back up, now turning her attention to Jay as Y/N leaned forward for Azalea to press the ice against her bag. "I don't think we've met yet. I'm Mercedes, it's nice to meet you," Mercedes smiled humbly as she stuck out her hand.

"Jay, it's nice to meet you as well. I've heard great things," Jay shook her hand gently with a warm smile.

"Well, I should get going. Imma let you rest and we'll meet up tomorrow?" Mercedes said towards Y/N. "Sure thing," Y/N nodded. Mercedes and Azalea shared a hug before she exited the locker room.

"You two have five minutes, then you need to do the conference and we can go back to the hotel or finish watching the show. I'm sure you don't wanna miss Kenny and Will's match." Azalea said before grabbing Sean and exiting the room to let the two discuss the elephant in the room.

Y/N cleared her throat, and patted her hand on the couch, telling Jay to sit down. His sigh was barely heard as he took a seat next to the woman he'd been in love with since their first interaction. "I'm sorry I kissed you. I definitely shouldn't have done that without your consent, that was extremely out of line," he began, causing Y/N to turn her body towards him, groaning at the pain in the process. She had never been so sore in her life. That was another reminder that she had to hang up the boots sooner than later.

"I'm not mad that you kissed me, Jamie." Y/N cut him off, using her left hand to move his face to look at her. "You're not?" Jay feigned confusion, being so sure that she was upset with him. After all, she hadn't spoken to him until Azalea left, which kinda forced them to have to talk.

"No. I'm mad that you didn't do it sooner," Y/N said, catching Jay off guard completely. Jay blinked, not sure if he heard that right or if his mind was playing games on him. "I can't tell if you're serious or not. Can you repeat that again?" He asked, being serious but not at the same time.

Y/N chuckled but stopped when she felt the pain in her stomach. "Look, I've always liked you, from the minute we met. But I wasn't in love with you," Jay's face fell hearing that but she placed her hand on his, silently telling him to keep listening. "I was so obsessed with thinking Kenny was the one for me because I genuinely never experienced love before him. I told myself so many times that he was the person I've always wanted when in reality, he wasn't at all."

"Then when we broke up and a month later I came back to Japan, you and I met up and I finally realized what was in front of my face the entire time. You always cared about me, and checked in after every match and that's something nobody else even bothered to do. You treated me exactly like I thought Kenny would. And I'm so sorry for realizing that way too late. I've always loved you, and when I found out you had a girlfriend, it was too late to tell you that I was in love with you."

Y/N wiped a tear that fell from her cheek, never being a fan of crying even if it was a happy tear. Jay furrowed his brows in confusion, processing what she just said, "I'm sorry, did you say girlfriend?" He questioned.

"Yeah, why? There was reports on Twitter that you had some secret girlfriend or whatever," Y/N shrugged. Jay couldn't help but chuckle, making Y/N raise her brows, not knowing if she should be mad or not. "Y/N, those were fake. That girl I was with was not my girlfriend. Riley and Will tricked me into going out with her. They said it was a guys night and when I show up, they're not even there and she just got caught in the middle of their jokes so I felt bad and just had dinner with her anyways. I don't even remember her name." Jay said, sighing when he realized he could've had Y/N much sooner.

"Oh." Was all she could say.

Jay noted her embarrassment and gave a squeeze to her hand, "I really wish I could go back in time and tell you how much I loved you way sooner. I could've had you this whole time."

"Well, there's no need to wait anymore," Y/N spoke softly, hoping he got the hint. Jay leaned closer towards her, careful with her body as of how sore she definitely was. "Can I kiss you, Y/N?" Y/N smiled and nodded, "Of course you can, Jay," letting him press his lips softly against hers. The kiss wasn't rushed like the first one. It was perfect. It was...everything.

Jay pulled away with a cheesy smile, "You called me Jay," he pointed out. Y/N rolled her eyes and playfully pushed him back, "Shut up, Jamie," she scoffed. Jay grinned and pulled her onto his lap, mumbling small sorrys when she winced. "I love you, Y/N," he spoke softly.

"I love you too, Jamie," Y/N pressed a small peck to his lips.

[fake-ascension]

i guess i need some. advice? encouragement? about some stuff thats been happening recently so suicide/violence cw under the cut

i won't go into detail but i had. a very huge emotional/physical/mental breakdown today. where i was just. basically screaming and howling about how suicidal ive been lately. I haven't said anything out loud/via text on the internet abt it because i know saying i want to kms so often is bad for my own well being and ultimately makes other uncomfortable as well

so yeah i've just been. holding all that in. i knew the thoughts were coming in and out the past few months but was just shrugging it off as just being stressed abt the nightmare year i had. but i really was just. lying to myself and others because i didnt want to worry anyone/didn't want to admit how horrible i was doing after a couple years of good progress. but as it stands things are heading into a really bad direction for me rn. its not normal to go to sleep suicidal and immediately be suicidal upon waking up.

I don't really know what i can really do harm reduction wise. i'm unable to have regular visits with a psychiatrist/therapist bc of availability issues + i tend to just. lie. because its easier to say im fine than it is to advocate for myself and get actual help. and even then medication will not save me and coping skills can only go so far if im so deep in it im unable to take care of myself/feed myself/clean myself/eat/etc so none of it is effective enough in the moment. i know it CAN be effective and some of the skills ive learned can help during situational issues but this is really deep rooted improperly treated mental illness and i need a stronger foundation to be able to use any of the skills

i use a means of self isolation to punish myself, because i'm so upset with myself for not being able to pick myself up on my own. people can say im not a burden over and over but theres always gonna be a catch in the end. i freak out because what if this is one of my last meltdowns before they decide enoughs enough and i just get abandoned. again.

I feel like maybe being so Online is making things worse?? but i don't know??? my concentration is completely gone even when trying to use dnd/closing discord completely and im just constantly refreshing social media every 10 seconds and just stew in the bad feelings.

I don't know if just. leaving the internet cold turkey for a bit would do more harm than good.....i dont want to be alone and caught up in my thoughts. but i have a hard time doing things in 'moderation' and don't know how to even begin to roll back my internet/screen time usage

fandom is fun and great. but i dont think i should be using video games as pure escapism or playing them 24/7. im already getting bored and unenthusiastic about the things i like because its ALL i do.... I want to have at least SOME time away from screens. i hate having the impulse the check social media or refresh even 30 seconds (im even doing it NOW) but i just dont know where to begin in cultivating non-screentime hobbies and have the ability to focus on things more long term without having than doing 1000 things all at once to keep myself busy. i play video games muted most of the time, have a yt video playing, sometimes i'll stop mid video game and pull out my ipad while still having the games open, and im always on discord

there's books i still want to read, i eventually want to pick up sewing again. im considering getting a craft set for making those beaded bracelets (my brother gets them from concerts all the time and thinks it would be fun to make them too) but that all requires money

and i just. idk where im going with this rn but. any advice or suggestions or just. words of encouragement would be. really nice rn

[dungeon-gerard]

I thought of posting this on my main but I don't really want that blog attracting pro ed content so I thought it be best here.

I don't even eat weirdly anymore. I haven't binged in months (bc I stopped the negative thoughts abt food, took a few months but its safe to say im clean) I'm healthier now, maybe even a little slimmer, because I dont have the side effects of starving anymore. I think I can say it's ended for a good 6 months now. There's just little things that remind me of it.

So, it might sound weird considering I'm recovered, but I have a thinsp0 folder. I didn't have that during the ed, I did it on pinterest but now I save pictures into a hidden file to use as thinsp0. I barely look at them, only when I add a new photo, but still, it proves it's still there.

If that doesn't strike you as strange, then what if I say I also saved pictures of my friends there. I use ppl I know as thinspo. I wonder about my friends eating habits and sometimes edge the conversation on to get them to share me details in a way that sounds natural. Well, its not malicious, but it's fueled by something they don't understand, and would likely feel upset if they were to know.

I should feel ashamed, but really, they should be flattered I aspire to look like them.

I love the eating disorder headcanon, I use it a lot. I never would have if I didn't have an ed before. I understand the desire to not eat, which I didn't understand before my ed. I didn't have any thoughts on food really, so I'm actually thankful I had that experience.

I'd like to add to that, my ed was mild in comparison to others, to other people I know. I don't use the term all the time, but for the sake of words I call what I had an eating disorder though internally I understand it was disordered eating, and a negative mindset. Bad but nothing compared to what some people have gone through.

Also, I try to keep healthy nowadays. I should exercise more, I want to do it not to hurt myself but cause it feels good and also makes me look slimmer. For example if you want your arms to look thinner lift weights cause they will look so much better afterwards. I want to lift again.

Now, a rant abt the thin aesthetic I like

Some people are so slim and oh it looks so good on them. I want that too. I also want to be taller, what's the deal with me being 5'4? That's boring. I should be 5'9. (This may be bc my best friend is rlly short and we both like the tall short dynamic) Tall and thin. Just like.. other ppl I know. Yeah, and small boobs. It would be GREAT if they couldn't be noticed with a t shirt on. I desperately want to have such small breasts that I don't have to wear a bra with cups. Also, androgyny. I think some people relate to that. Hell, I'm cis but I enjoy the aura of androgyny some people possess. I desire it greatly. Not to say I'm dissatisfied with my appearance, I'm recovered and fine with how my body fits, but oh, it could be just a bit slimmer. Like her. Like him. Hey friend, what kind of things do you eat? What have you eaten today? The whole day, I'm just curious. Do you go out often? Do you exercise?

You're uh.. really thin.. it's nice. Stay like that, stay like that for me.

I'm never posting one of these again I swear I hate the ed community sm

This is no beta read btw, just exactly what my mind threw out without thinking

[mull3ts]

Quarantine Boyz, Part 2

Pairing | NCT's 00 line x Reader

⚠ Warnings! | Smut, Orgy (5some), Swearing, Voyeurism, Yangyang now included!, Double penetration, squirting, Dirty talk, spanking, Degration, Anal, *unprotected sex (wrap it up kids!), this goes from 100 to 0 real quick, There's no smut on Yangyang coz idk how to feel abt that 😔

· Part 1

Week 2: Day 8/14, 9:42 pm

"Wider" Jaemin demanded, "Spread you legs wider princess-"

"Look who's having all of the fun over there" Donghyuck teased from the doorframe along with Renjun. "It wouldn't be very nice to not share, would it Y/N?" Renjun questioned. You shook your head, "If you two wanna join then do something" Jeno said before shoving his fingers back into your mouth along with Jaemin finally entering inside of you.

"Fine" The two boys said stripping themselves from their clothes and joining the rest of you on the bed. Jaemin slowly entered you to help you adjust to him, as Jeno removed his fingers from your mouth now also entering your stuffed hole.

"A-ah, wait Jeno are you gonna-" You asked scared you actually might split in two, Jeno gently caressed your cheek. "Don't worry babe, I'll try to be gentle. No promises though" He said as he was trusting himself inside of you.

"Wow, look at what a dirty girl you are. Taking two cocks in that small pussy of yours" Donghyuck whispered in your ear. "Maybe we should tie your hands together, how does that sound?" Renjun taunted as he watched your face react to Jeno and Jaemin ruining you.

Spank

"Answer him, princess. You want your hands tied together?" Jaemin groaned.

You nodded, "P-please, do it.". "Good girl" Renjun cooed as Donghyuck went through Jaemin's closet to find a necktie. "Here" Donghyuck said as he threw the necktie to Renjun to tie around your wrists. They all chuckled a bit looking at your now tied hands.

"Look at how pretty your hands are now babygirl, all tied up so you can't do anything" Donghyuck teased. "You can't do a single thing to us while we wreck your little pussy" Renjun chuckled.

"I think I'm gonna c-cum" You said weakly. Jeno cocked his head to the side and gave you a lazy smile, "Cumming so soon?". "Aw, that's cute princess. Are our cocks really that good?" Jaemin cooed from behind you. Renjun leaned closer to your ear. "Why don't you beg to cum, hm?".

Jeno chuckled at Renjun's suggestion, "C'mon babe, tell us how much you wanna cum". "I-i wanna cum, please. Ah, please let me cum I'll be g-good I-i promise!".

"Promise, huh?" Donghyuck teased. "Y-yes, please just let me cum!" You moaned making Jeno smile at your eagerness. "What do you think, Jaemin? Wanna let our little girl cum?". Jaemin nodded. "Do it princess. But when you cum, look at Jeno and don't you dare take your eyes off of his eyes."

Donghyuck leaned closer to your ear, "Go on babygirl, make a mess on their cocks, Don't hold back". When you reached your high it made you clench hard causing Jeno and Jaemin to cum not long after you. You squirted causing the 2 boys still deep inside of you to curse under their breath. First Jaemin, then Jeno pulled out admiring your pussy stuffed with their cum.

Jeno reached down to collect some on his fingers and pushed it back into your hole causing you to gasp a little at the sudden contact. Jaemin lazily chuckled at your reaction before looking at Renjun and Donghyuck who were staring at you.

"Did she just-"

"Squirt? Yeah"

"Hot" Donghyuck complimented

"Our turn" Renjun said proudly. First Donghyuck lined up with your entrance. But then Renjun was lining up with your asshole. "A-ah, Renjun! Be careful, p-please" You whimpered making Renjun chuckle a little. "I'll try my best, angel".

Donghyuck was thrusting himself inside of you making sure to go as deep as he could. "Fuck babygirl, h-how are you still so tight after 2 cocks rammed your pussy?" He asked. "That's cause she's our good little girl, right princess?" Jaemin whispered in your ear. "Y-yeah, a-ah! Renjun!". Your nails were creating little marks in your hands as you couldn't grip onto anything. "Calm down, angel, the pain'll go away" Renjun said softly trying to easy your pain. Donghyuck on the other hand, was now thrusting in you relentlessly. "You like that, babygirl? Hm? Tell me" Donghyuck taunted. "S-slow down! Please" You begged as Renjun now started to thrust in your ass adding to the pleasure that you couldn't handle. "You want me to speed up? Ok" Donghyuck teased. "God, you're so hot"

With Donghyuck and Renjun's dicks both inside of you at once, you couldn't help but cum quickly. "M'gonna c-cum! Please l-let me cum!" You moaned. "Not yet, babygirl, us first" Donghyuck said sternly. Eventually the 2 boys filled you with their cum resulting in you squirting again. "Look at you..." Jeno said looking at your cum filled pussy, "All fucked out from 4 cocks, what a little whore you are for us. What do you say after we fucked you so well, babe?" Jeno questioned cocking his head to the side.

"T-thank you" You mumbled "Thank you for what princess?" Jaemin said lifting your chin to make you look at him.

"Thank you all f-for fucking me so well"

Day 9/14, 11:33 am

You woke up, with excruciating pain.

"Hi there, hot stuff. Glad to see you awake"

Jeno.

"I am pain Lee Jeno"

"Wonder who's fault is that?"

"Yours"

"25% of it is, babe" He smirked then kissed your forehead. "Can you get up?" He questioned.

You shook your head ask he lazily laughed at you. "Aw, here, I'll carry you". He scooped you up in his arms and brought you to the kitchen where the rest of the boys were eating

"Hi there, cutie" Cooed Donghyuck while eating a sandwich earning a glare from you as Jeno sat you down then taking a seat for himself. "I see that you can't walk" Jaemin said smiling at you. "Sush, Na Jaemin" You mumbled as Donghyuck cleared his throat.

"So," Donghyuck began, "What happens now?". "I guess we could take turns?" Renjun suggested. "DIBS ON HER FIRST!" Yelled Donghyuck followed by Jaemin, Jeno, then Renjun. "So, Donghyuck first, then Jaemin, Jeno, and last is Renjun?" You questioned, they all nodded. "I'm gonna be adventurous and take you in the kitchen" Donghyuck whispered to you, "NU UH NOT IN MY GOSH DANG KITCHEN LEE DONGHYUCK. I rule this kitchen, therefore I can fuck in this kitchen, not you" Said Jaemin sternly causing laughter to erupt in the kitchen.

"So when do "the turns" begin?"

"Today"

"W-what?"

And so that's how it went from days 9/14 to 13/14

They all took turns as they said they would and you were fine with it

Then there was the last day where you supposedly "Could go outside"

But I know what you're thinking

"WHERE'S THE TURNS?"

Ladies and Gentlemen, that will be added, in time

I'm letting you recover ;D

Day 14/14, 11:11 am

"So we can't go out?"

Renjun shook his head, "Nope"

"Listen here, Smurfette, I need some weird special detergent for this Peppa Pig apron because the little tag said so. What am I gonna do?" Jaemin snapped. "Chill out Jaemin, it's only an apron" Donghyuck retorted. "What did you do to that apron anyway?" Renjun asked.

"I might've got cum on the apron" Jaemin mumbled.

"Huh?" Renjun and Donghyuck blurted in confusion.

"I got semen on the apron" Jaemin hissed. The two boys infront of him bursted out in laughter, "You got cum, on your Peppa Pig apron?" Donghyuck said in disbelief.

"Yeah" Jaemin mumbled while Renjun was laughing hysterically.

"You got what on your apron?" You exclaimed walking down the stairs with Jeno.

"I got cum on my fucking apron" Jaemin sighed, as now you and Jeno started laughing. But you stopped laughing, followed by Renjun, then Jeno. Donghyuck was the only one left laughing.

He cleared his throat, "Oh, we're not l-laughing anymore. Uh, w-why?" Donghyuck stammered out.

"I-"

"J-jaemin and Y/N f-fucked in the- the-" Renjun said with caution

"Oh just say it"

"JAEMIN AND Y/N FUCKED IN THE DAMN KITCHEN"

The room was filled with eyerolls and groans of disbelief. "W-we sanitized it if it makes you feel b-better?" Jaemin hesitantly spoke.

"Will you all, stop? Or else I'll sing that Justin Timberlake song in German"

"How do you even know that song-"

"Ten showed me" Yangyang whispered

Day 14/14, 11:11 pm

"Oh, fuck" You moaned

The light turned on.

Yangyang was met with his 5 naked roomates looking straight at him.

"I'm assuming Jaemin didn't close the door, again"

Jaemin nodded, "You wanna do this, Y/N?" he asked looking at you with a knowing look.

"Come here"

*a/n: And tada ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the long awaited Quarantine Boyz part 2 🤧 Sorry if that ending was a bit rushed because I honestly didn't know how to end this. Anyways I hope you enjoyed reading this~~~ 💖💖💖 -Abi~ <3

[patchdotexe]

doip. / 9.13.21

I WAS LOOKING AT THE MAP AND PEPPER STARTED EATING MY SKETCHBOOK

today we are in "o- WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THIS SCREENSHOT

WE'RE IN ORRE BUT THE TEXTURES ARE FUCKED UP, BUT THEN PASTING THIS INTO WORDPAD FUCKED IT UP EVEN MORE??????????????

jorb did the math and the candy i'm eating is literally 50% sugar

maybe i shouldn't do my notes in wordpad actually considering it's weird all the time

good news: this time i think my headset is set up so i'll be able to hear the dbz music

oh there's nyx! he feel asleep. jorb: i was nearly gonna say "i'm gonna inject you with caffeine", but i almost said "i'm gonna inject you with cocaine". i think I'M gonna feel asleep.

PREVIOUSLY ON DRAGONS ON ICESPIRE PEAK: oh man the dbz music is so crunchy we cleared out a temple from dangerous oozes so that the dwarves at the excavation could hide out there from the dragon! also some other stuff happened. i think i maybe shouldve reread my notes

jorb: so you're gonna head to the inn? [water noise] michael: yes. jorb: WHO PEED?

michael is talking abt his friend's cat <3 luigi................ he is very afraid of everything and michael is trying to feed him, which is a problem bc he keeps hiding "like a little bitch"

OKAY we're gonna be escorting Don-Jon Raskin somewhere! he's been decided to be australian. jorb: oh god i don't know how to do an australian accent leo: YOU'RE AUSTRALIAN,, jorb: i'm a non-practicing australian.

jorb: --and two things of oil, which you should not eat. alidaar: but what if i did jorb: i think that'd be bad for your health. nameless: but what if i want to jorb: ..the crates--

michael: how much does an ox cost jorb: don't tell me you're gonna fence the ox! michael: no i'm gonna see how much an ox costs in case the dragon shows up and [the ox] doesn't make it

escorting a man, escorting an ox! are any of us good at animal handlOH OF COURSE THE DRUID IS michael: nyx is currently a binturong. jorb: you could stop being a binturong! nyx: no <3 this can only go well.

the ox is now tobias's new best friend OH, RIGHT, TOBIAS CAN TALK TO ANIMALS. he probably just talked to vincent (the ox). tobias: hi vincent! my name is tobias [silence] jorb: .........i don't know what an ox would say,

michael: new plan, i'm the decoy for the dragon

oh hey a pile of dead orcs. that's definitely not ominous or anything they died from extreme cold! dragon was here 3 days ago. uh oh. also i think it's fun that ali would recognize Death By Cold = Dragon considering their own breath weapon is cold fhglkxdfhk oh hey silver battleax!

oops i missed some exposition bc i was adding my shiny new battleaxe i stole to my sheet

heading into the mine! BIG RAT GUARDS? we don't know what these are bc ali and lil guy don't have great arcana and tobias, the guy who DOES, rolled a nat1 don-jon is now the overseer of a mine of rats (don-jon was sent by the owner of the mine to take over, but now it's been taken over by Someone New who has, uh, weird rat guards? this may be an issue.) This Is An Issue the mine has been commandeered by the whiskered gang! (ali: that's a stupid name.) they got chased out of their old territory by orcs so they've decided to turn the mine into their new base of operations. however, IF we take out the orcs, then the gang will leave!

oh apparently jorb had to add in the silvered axe i picked up bc uh. these guys are were-rats! so they're immune to everything that isn't silvered or magical! OOP

jorb: [doing scene description] ..why is the barrel crab typing?

hm. okay so we found an abandoned place with horses. specifically this whole place has gotten burned down. Not Good. time to keep moving on!

i spaced out and heard the phrase "bubblebutt ranch" and i will never be free again

nyx: I CAN BE A CATERPILLAR jorb: i highly don't recommend it

WAIT WHY DOES INVISIBILITY LAST FOR 1 HOURS little guy is now invisible! and scouting the shrine of savras. oh turns out binturongs can Open Doors. like, irl. sorry jorb :V

jorb: okay, you're touching the altar? nyx: i touch the altar. oh nyx is having an out of body experience! little guy is seeing a fortress on icespire peak, which appears to be where our bastard dragon is living!

jorb: luckily none of the orcs have moved from the spot you last saw them in, as if they're glued to their spots until they're engaged with in some sort of combat

oh we're doing combat now ALL OF THE ORCS TAKE THEIR TURNS AT THE SAME TIME?

HELP GIRL WE'RE IN COMBAT AND I JUST GOT PINGED IN THE TACO STAND TO EXPLAIN WHY HORSES AREN'T ALLOWED IN EMBLEM WARHORSE

leo: im using this orc's head as a golf ball. jorb: okay! you use this orc's head as a golf ball! it's.. it goes.

jorb: you can high-five the bear as a free action.

I Am Losing All Of My HP In One Turn

finally getting to use my runes! fuck yea. also i'm very tired and kinda distracted bc of Taco Stand Horse Discourse but mostly i'm just tired

tobias: i put myself facedown in defense mode and end my turn.

alidaar finished combat by climbing up a PILE OF BODIES and LUNGING AT THE OGRE to SLICE ITS HEAD OFF WITH HIS BRAND NEW BATTLEAXE and then used his morningstar to fucking golfclub that head out of sight. hell yes

alidaar: poggers. "you say that from 3 rooms away?"

WE STOLE A BELL THATS WORTH LIKE 2.5K GOLD?????? jorb: you gotta sell it though, it's not gonna just turn into money alidaar: what if we stare at it for a really long time

man. this is really different from arvus in structure. like this is a premade thing and its very much like . phandalin is the quest hub. go to a place! fight mobs! find treausre! go back to phandalin! which is kinda boring but also I Get It bc its premade. HOLD ON WHY IS MICHAEL TALKING ABOUT ORCS FUCKING LUIGI MARIO

[365-betterdays]

august 13, 2022 4:24pm

"hi. it's been a while." the first 5 words i tend to write down in every single post i make here. well, in my defense, it always had been a while. things have been good, in fact they've been great. to let you catch up, here are some of the things i've accomplished while i was away !!

i'm back in school. struggling a bit cos most of the topics, i've completely fallen behind from. but i'm trying. that's what matters, ig. it's the first semester palang so i'm still vv shy. i will definitely try to do better when i start to feel comfy asking for help.

i've made a couple new friends in school. they're a lot nicer than i expected. being around people has made me feel a bit more human (??) which, i haven't felt in a while. it feels nice. <3

i went to manila, by myself. it warms my heart whenever i get the chance to smile at strangers, esp when they smile back ahihi.

i haven't been saving a lot of money since i've been spending a lot more than i used to. more is spent on my previous galas. i'm working on it. i saved enough money to buy myself a whiteboard tho. it's not much but i'm happy hehe

pampanga guy gave me self-help ebooks and one actual book (i haven't really started cos it's tagalog lmao) !! but they're good. he gave me a shirt, a rose, a couple of jewelries that i gave to my family instead. he's a good person and i kinda messed it up a bit.

i don't talk to the bike guy anymore or at least not as much as i used to.

i got SMT's this week on research and psych. i should be reviewing right now, but i want to be in a good spot mentally first before i do so i'm writing here. i got to deal with our buwan ng wika thingys which i HATE SM cos i don't like dancing but fuck it.

i feel more confident in my sexuality. i am bi-curious, exploring my options and who i really am. i came out to a friend and it's super heart-warming !!!!

i'm starting to become more comfortable with my body. and yes, you could also say that i've been eating a lot more loool. i feel very comfy w who i am and what i look like. i guess i can still be normal and a good person behind this human body. i'm starting to hate it less, maybe not as much on social media (yet) but idc. apparently, there's more to my life now than what's behind my screen. finally.

^ a bit related, i feel like i have gained weight but i'm not rlly thinking about it much. i will try to do better, but i won't let it stop me from enjoying my life anymore. i !! still !! deserve !! to !! be !! happy !! and !! secure !! within !! myself !! despite !! my !! weight !!

some days, i still do get sad. i kinda found a way to snap out of it though ^^ there r far more important things than what the uglie things my brain tells me so i >> d i s t r a c t

i've been organizing my stuff like 30 times MORE than i've ever organized anything the past few years. (a bit exaggerated but iykyk)

i'm actually enjoying my review time nowadays. it makes me feel happy to get answers correct. i'm really reaching out to be within the honor roll, to be part of sum clubs & be the best student i can be this sy :) good vibes only, no pressure!

i've cut a couple social media ties but, again, i don't really care. i'm not really affect much by things that r behind my screen. i'm trying to only care abt things that matter irl

i downloaded an app "flinch" it's a self help app. iz cute

i've been planning on saving money for: school/study materials, some bags, for galas (ofc) and CLOTHES. man, it gets tiring to repeat outfits. but yeah, no pressure ofc. i'll get them once i can ^_^

I GOT MY BOOSTER HELL YEAH!! my arm still hurts like a mf today + i was absent last thurs but it's okiii. no more absences.

i alr get sleepy around 9-10pm, it's not fun altho i do get more responsibilities & tasks done

that's practically all i can think about right now. life's funny eh? i feel like i'm on cloud 9 and all it took was.. showing up